Being heavily pregnant I wake up a lot in the night, usually because I need a wee, but sometimes because the baby is trying to wedge himself under one of my bones. I find it tricky to get back to sleep because there is so much on my mind…. And you are not here.
You are not here through choice, of course. I need space for my midnight three-point-turns, and you need to sleep so that you can both work and take care of me and our toddler. So with you in the spare room and me being awake for good chunks of the night, I find my mind wanders to you.
I love you.
You make it OK that we need to sleep separately right now.
You make it OK that all you are getting from me is a cuddle, even though you’d be quite keen for more.
You make it OK that I look and feel like a hippo.
Even though we both know I’m puffy, cryey and consumed in myself at this moment in time, our love does not falter. It does make sense that some couples break down when they experience pregnancy. It can be such a trying time. Your relationship may not be priority anymore and some people find that too tricky to cope with.
If I take a moment to imagine what pregnancy would be like with one of my old boyfriends, I want to vomit and laugh at the same time. I would have been riddled with insecurities and constantly feeling grotesque and like I was letting them down, probably still trying to prove that I could be attractive and doting, nonetheless. What a farce.
With you I am me.
I wanted to write this for you because it’s not often that I have the brain space to articulate quite how I feel about you. “I love you” is a sweet summary, but right now I wish to say more.
We have our beautiful boy, R. We will soon have our second beautiful boy, S. It will be me and you, and our boys. What a family. What a foursome of joy we will be. I couldn’t be prouder to have created this with you.
But I want you to know that it was me and you at the beginning. Just us. It wasn’t a necessity for us to create a family. We were unbelievably happy. Just us. I always wanted to marry you and have babies with you, but it was never a need. Creating a makeshift bed downstairs in our first home and binge watching Making a Murderer on a Sunday, popping to the co op for drinks and crisps… was heaven. I needed nothing more.
I would rather have lived out my days unmarried and unfertilized with you, than have had the marriage and babies with anyone else.
My point is… at the foundation of the life we are creating together, there is still me and you. We are at the very beginning and it is a long road we are travelling down with our boys, but one day… and I’m sure that day will come around a lot quicker than we are expecting… it will be just us again.
Is it mad that I’m looking forward to it?
I’m looking forward to everything we will experience together as our children grow up in front of us, but I’m also giddy about that empty nest. Creating a makeshift bed with you in the living room and having a Netflix binge. Travelling. Quiet days of separate projects. Boardgame nights. Eating junk and playing drinking games.
I know we will be much older, and in reality I will be wonderfully sorrowful in our empty nest, but I’m still looking forward to it. All of it. Wrinkles, grey hairs, dicky knees and all.
I wanted to share this with you… because if anything, it’s quite the compliment.
I love that we are making humans so that they can go and live whatever happiness they want. There has never been and will never be any other agenda. Their existence is purely because of love, not necessity. We had no holes to fill. They are just beautiful additions to our already beautiful life.
It was me and you at the beginning, and it will be me and you at the end. I have a wonderful life.
When the boys have left and I’m drowning in my own snot and tears, please read this back to me.