Pending Second Son

So here I am, 38 weeks pregnant, bursting at the seams and anticipating the imminent birth and life of my second and last bundle of unknown.

We know we are having a boy. We never even indulged the idea of not finding out. We figure that there will be enough surprises, so ruling out one early on is ideal.

For the first 20 weeks we were playing with the idea of having two boys, or a boy and girl, unsure which we’d prefer and too scared to settle on a preference anyway. 

I’m thrilled to be having another boy. I’m sure I would have been thrilled to have a girl too, but I do feel confident in my abilities to raise some excellent, excellent men. I have so much faith in myself and my husband to do a good job at supporting their physical and mental health and adding in spices of our own values and personalities to make sure they grow to be wonderful members of society and magical individuals.

When I thought about raising a girl, all of my own awful experiences and anxieties filled my night ponderings.

I must make sure she has a healthy relationship with food. How am I going to help her have good body image? What if she looks like her Dad? I don’t want her to be shy. I want her to be confident, but not too confident that she gets labelled ‘bossy’.

The list goes on. It’s awful. Really, I should just want her to be happy and healthy; which is how I feel about my boys. I blame society. SOCIETY. SOCIETY.

But saying all of that… I will miss her from time to time. I’ll never know her, and that does make me feel sad.

She would have been incredible, despite all my nonsensical worries over her life. She would have sorted me out and made me see that she never needed me to worry. She’s too much like her Dad to be like me.

I’m sad that he will never raise a daughter. Even though he would never believe it, he would have been amazing. He grew up surrounded by strong women, which has made him the man he is. A little girl would have grown up secure, safe, and happy under his wing.

There may be a little sadness when you find out the gender, whether it’s at the scan, or at the birth itself. You will have imagined two people, and one of them disappears in a split second. My little girl disappeared the day of our 20 weeks scan. But luckily, the joy of the boy took over. Our little lad.

It’s only been in the later stages of pregnancy that I’ve started to get a little panicky about having another boy.

If we were expecting a girl, then it would all feel new and exciting. Like we are embracing the unknown together. But because we are having another boy, I am expecting him to be a replica of his brother. Anything that’s slightly different will probably throw me into a panic. But his brother didn’t have issues with this…. But his brother had olive skin…. But his brother this and his brother that… so I’m already comparing them, and little one isn’t even here yet!

There will undoubtedly be competition in their relationship for the rest of their days, which we may have avoided had we had a girl.

I grew up with two brothers who are 10 years apart and despite the age gap, they can be awful when it comes to…. literally anything! It all tends to come out in head-to-head style conflict. Especially at Christmas. So, there’s that to look forward to!

So, although I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to gender, I am so excited to be an official mother-of-sons and intend to embrace it completely.

I have daydreams of the future where I have three towering men stood around me and I feel so happy. I’m sure they will pick up some of their father’s habits and I will have the occasional break down when I find a pile of dirty pants next to the laundry basket, but I’ll take it.

Published by RaisingBoys

I’m Kelly. I’m 34 and I am a primary school teacher (when I’m not mumming). I live in a thin, tall house with my thinnish, quite tall husband and two beautiful boys. I love writing, and am trying to keep it up so I can keep a piece of me.

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